Another tall tale from the wine bar philosophy group at the Withered Grape,
reported by Ian McLaren

 

The king snorted half his breakfast cup of coffee over the table. The queen recovered the soggy letter from the toast rack.

“What have they got to do with it?” The queen, used to these outbursts, did not answer. “Telling me that my wine festival has to be model of restrain and propriety. No smoking, welcoming young people, not selling any more to people who are drunk. They’ll be telling us that we can’t serve alcohol next!”

While the king refilled his cup, and drank in moody silence, the queen glanced at the offending missive. It was a list of suggestions from the Association of Royal Fêtes and Festivals. They seemed eminently sensible to her. Asking organisers to buy wines made from the best natural ingredients, keeping tobacco smoke away from volunteers and non-smoking drinkers, encouraging the new generation to drink sensibly and try better wines…

The king thundered into her thoughts. “Dictators, spoilsports, puritans! It’s my festival, and I’ll run it my way. Everyone else can keep their noses out. If people don’t like it then they needn’t come.

But then a horrible thought struck him. “What if they do stay away? There won’t be any profits to pay for my drinking for the rest of the year.” Naturally the King’s Wine Festival was organised for charity – the King’s Fund – but we all know that charity begins at home.

The king sat back in his chair. “What do the customers really want? Good food and drink, somewhere to smoke if they want to, a pleasant atmosphere and cheerful staff. They don’t want to be wading through piles of vomit and broken glass, being unable to see through the smoke or hear for the volume of music and noise. And what do I want? Plenty of satisfied customers who keep coming visiting the festival, some of them young enough to come back next year.”

Another half-cup of coffee spurted across the table, this time cold. “How dare you let me muse and let my breakfast get frozen?” Again, no-one else responded.

August 2007