Another tall tale from the wine bar philosophy group at the Withered Grape,
reported by Ian McLaren

 

The king suddenly woke up in the middle of the cabinet meeting. Almost inevitably, the conversation was still about finance, or the lack of it. Thus his outburst was less irrelevant than it might have been. “I’ve got it! We’ll turn ourselves into a religion, so we won’t have to pay any taxes.”

The chancellor of the exchequer turned and looked at him. “Sire, we collect taxes, not pay them. Our problem is that there aren’t enough taxes.”

The king was on a roll now. “If we become a church, we can collect tithes as well. We can have jumble sales, weekly collections and sell church ale.”

The chancellor remained unimpressed. “The problem is, no-one has the money to pay any more taxes or tithes, or to spend at jumble sales.”

The king was still feeling perky after his doze. “Surely, if we choose a vicious enough god, they’ll be frightened into paying up. Or perhaps we could get god to force them to work for the church for nothing?”

The minister for pig farming and the arts shyly put his hand up. “Couldn’t we have a religion that promised people unlimited wealth and sex in the next life? All they would have to do is god’s work in this life.”

So the minister had to put his pig-farming-support-activities to one side. How much reward would people want in the afterlife? They’d need free wine, obviously, and cheap food, not to mention the other standard benefits of paradise. And how much work would they do for that? A few weeks in the state vineyards every year wouldn’t be too much to ask, would it? That would provide enough income to stave off the creditors for a little while longer.

But how do you convince the people that they will get the payoff in the afterlife if they do the work now? Obviously a big advertising campaign is out of the question – it would cost money. A signed contract from a solvent deity would do the job, but there aren’t any listed in the Yellow Pages. It would have to be a celebrity endorsement. “Believing in god got me to where I am today”.

The king was convinced, after three glasses of finest domestic burgundy. “Of course I hold my position by the grace of god. You could aspire to the same thing, on behalf of your grandchildren, if your daughter happens to marry my son and heir. Just think: these benefits would come to you if you just carry out your holy obligations!”

October 2007