A Mind to be Single


Another tall tale from the wine bar philosophy group at the Withered Grape,
reported by Ian McLaren

 

The king took no notice as members of his household cleared away the aftermath of the New Year party. He was deep in thought. This year, he would make some resolutions that he could actually keep. So, nothing about drinking, smoking, saving money…

His younger daughter interrupted him. “Father, I’ve heard that if you want to achieve something, you should just make one resolution, and mean it.” The king growled. “I know, because Erasmus the pig-man did it last year. He said he would raise one pig for Christmas, and he did. Mind you, he had to kill off a lot of piglets.” She looked at his expression and went back to scraping mince pies off the ceiling.

He ran through a list of things that he actually wanted to do. ‘Drink a bottle of vintage port’ came instantly to mind, but that would take no will-power. His eyes and mind wandered. This was so boring – that’s it! The whole of life was boring – running a small and boring country, trying to find the money to run the castle, the family always making demands. That’s it – he would have to get away. Free and single, that’s the life. He would buy a fast horse, a knapsack and a book of smutty pictures and ride away on the open road.

The king must have expressed himself out loud. The cleaning came to an abrupt halt. The queen rose to her full height, and told him in full fete-opening tones what she thought of his plan. He blustered from under the table, but to no effect on the queen: it just woke Rex the retired attack dog. The king staggered out of the room clutching a viciously gummed knee.

Later that day, while he was sharing a bottle of naïve domestic burgundy with his cabinet, the king told the others of his idea. The minister for pig farming and the arts had a suggestion: “Perhaps you just need a holiday? Send the wife off to her mother’s, and take off into the wild, blue yonder – or somewhere there’s decent wine, anyway.” The king smiled. That was a resolution that he could keep – if he could find the money from somewhere…

January 2008