Another tall tale from the wine bar philosophy group at the Withered Grape,
reported by Ian McLaren

 

The king was being taken for a walk by Rex, the retired attack dog. As he panted along, he shouted to the queen over the noise of barking “I’m sure all this healthy exercise stuff is nonsense – I can feel it damaging my body. My knees are on fire and I’m gasping for a drink”.

“Nonsense!” retorted the queen “You can feel it doing you good. It’s all that eating and drinking and smoking that’s doing the damage. You are wrecking your digestion, your liver and your lungs.”

The king had no breath to continue the argument. Instead he considered the problem. Deep down, he had to admit that he enjoyed himself too much in the consumption department – but he did enjoy himself. If he cut down, he might be fitter, but he would definitely be more miserable. In any case, didn’t he have some scientific results in the circular filing bin under his desk that said that wine, coffee and tobacco were good for you? Well, perhaps not cigarettes. He passed the lead to the queen, and stopped for a hacking cough.

When it stopped, and his face had faded to a less violent purple hue, he said to the queen “You are quite right, dearest, I shall give up smoking.” And if the king was going to give up the pleasure of smoking, so would the rest of the kingdom.

At the crack of noon the following day, the posters started going up. “This is a NO-SMOKING Kingdom . No tobacco may be imported. Anyone seen smoking or chewing will be fined. No smoke, no fire”. At 12.01, the Chancellor of the Exchequer saw the poster. “You can’t do that!” he expostulated “The taxes on cigarettes pay the palace grocery bill.” The king had not realised they were a source of revenue – he always imported his duty-free. There was a good reason for smoking after all.

By 3pm , the new posters were going up. “All households must buy cigarettes, but smoking them is strictly forbidden. The punishment for being caught is that all your smoking materials will be confiscated, and you will have to buy more.”

The king felt that the balance was now right. He was miserable about giving up smoking, but he could feel virtuous. And he knew that everyone in the kingdom was at least as miserable as he was.

June 2007