Another tall tale from the wine bar philosophy group at the Withered Grape,
reported by Ian McLaren

 

The Piat Creek Corporation had been upset by the treatment of their new salesman (see above)n and the king’s failure to pay his wine bill. Their lawyers had tried to charge the king with assault, but he claimed sovereign immunity. They tried to sue the villagers for damages to the wagon, but the king, as chief judge, had thrown the case out. Then they took direct action.

The king approached the Withered Grape for the Monday lunchtime session. It was strangely quiet, and the door was closed. There was a notice pinned to it. The Piat Creek Corporation had decided to deny supplies to everyone in the kingdom until their demands were met. The king battered on the door until the barman appeared. ‘You’ll have to go to another wine supplier’, he shouted. The barman shook his head. The Piat Creek Corporation was the last wine merchant prepared to deliver to the kingdom, after the previous events.

The king was considering where he had left his passport as he read on. This time the explosion could be heard right across the valley. The b******ds had taken out an injunction barring him from any hotel, inn or restaurant within a hundred miles of the border. This was war!

The Minister for the Arts, Pig Farming and War reminded the king that the kingdom army did not actually exist, and the fighting capability of the whole population was less than that of a Chelsea Pensioner . The king would have to compromise. He sulked for two whole hours.

Meanwhile, the Minister for the Arts, Pig Farming and Justice set out to meet the lawyers. He came back, shaking and white-faced, later that evening. “Your majesty will have to undergo an anger-management course before…” The minister cowered underneath the sideboard, where the blow had crushed him. The king looked at the forlorn figure, and the mob marching on the palace gates carrying ‘We Want Our Wine’ signs, and sighed.

Dr Howsyrfader had never had quite such a difficult client. He was aggressive, had no insight into himself or others, demanded immediate rewards and showed no sense of fear or any interest in the future. Had this been an ordinary criminal case, the doctor would have pleaded with the judge to issue an immediate death sentence. He could see only one way to advance – he would have to change the king’s behaviour by getting to his caring side.

The following lunchtime in the Withered Grape, the king looked mournful, but relieved that he had a pint of solid red in his hand. Newcomers stared for a moment and then averted their gaze. The placard on his chest read ‘If I get angry, there will be no wine delivery. The one on his back read ‘Yes, I will be to blame’. The doctor had got the king right where he cared.

August 2008